This guide is clear, science-informed, and practical. It’s for anyone wondering, “Am I being valued…or just used?” If you feel unsafe at any point, call local emergency services (India: 112).

The big idea (read this first)

Healthy relationships run on mutuality: both partners give care, effort, time, respect, and repair after fights. Being used means the flow is largely one-way—your money, time, body, attention, contacts, or reputation are extracted while your needs are minimized or ignored. It’s not one bad week; it’s a pattern.

Psychology research shows that exploitative relationships often run on the same mechanisms as other forms of manipulation: intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable rewards that keep you hooked), gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), and coercive control (limiting your choices without explicit violence). You don’t need a diagnostic label to act—pattern + impact on you is enough.

The science of why it feels so confusing

• Intermittent rewards (a tender message after days of neglect) release dopamine and train attachment more strongly than steady kindness.
• Sunk-cost fallacy: the more time and effort you’ve invested, the harder it feels to walk away—even when the data say it isn’t working.
• Trauma bonding: cycles of affection → withdrawal → affection wire the stress and reward systems together, making detachment feel like withdrawal.
• Attachment style: people with anxious attachment may over-pursue; avoidant partners may keep distance. Style explains behavior—it does not excuse exploitation.

14 evidence-informed signs you’re being used

A. Emotional & time exploitation

1. You’re the 24/7 therapist; they’re emotionally unavailable. Your crises are “drama,” theirs are “emergencies.”
2. Contact on their schedule only. Late-night texts, weekend vanishing, last-minute plans; your calendar doesn’t matter.
3. They avoid “maintenance work.” No effort to plan, apologize, problem-solve, or repair after conflict; you carry all the emotional labor.

B. Financial & practical exploitation

4. Money flows one way. “Temporary” loans, bills in your name, you pay for most outings—with guilt if you say no.
5. Housing/transport favors become expected. You’re the default driver, host, mover, errand-runner.
6. Career or network piggybacking. They want your contacts, introductions, or brand—but don’t show up for you.

C. Intimacy & consent red flags

7. Sex is transactional. Affection appears only when they want sex; your comfort, timing, or contraception concerns are dismissed.
8. Boundary testing. Pressure after you say no; sulking, threats of leaving, or “If you loved me, you would…”

D. Status & image extraction

9. Public admiration, private neglect. Great on social media, cold in daily life.
10. Triangulation. They invoke exes/“fans” to keep you competing for attention.

E. Psychological manipulation

11. Gaslighting. “You’re too sensitive,” “That never happened,” rewriting history when you bring up hurt.
12. DARVO pattern: Deny → Attack → Reverse Victim/Offender. They harm you, then claim you are the abuser.
13. Conditional regard. Warm when you comply; distant or mean when you assert needs.
14. Isolation. Subtle digs at your friends/family, monitoring your phone, or guilt for spending time away.

Reality check: One or two items during a stressful month ≠ exploitation. Multiple signs, repeated over weeks to months, point to being used.

A quick self-audit (save this)

Mark Often / Sometimes / Rarely:

• I give more than I get (time, money, care, effort).
• My no is ignored or punished.
• Plans suit them; I adapt.
• I feel anxious, confused, or on eggshells most days.
• Promises are big; follow-through is small.
• I’ve pulled back from friends/family since dating them.
• I’m paying (emotionally or financially) for benefits they enjoy.
• After fights, I’m the one who repairs.

If many are Often, treat the pattern—you don’t need anyone’s permission to protect yourself.

What to do (clear steps you can start today)

1) Name the pattern—privately

Write a simple log: date, what happened, exact words, how you felt. Patterns become visible; gaslighting loses power.

2) Set boring, enforceable boundaries

Boundaries are one sentence + one consequence. No essays.

• Time: “I don’t take calls after 10 pm. I’ll reply tomorrow.”
• Money: “I’m not lending or co-signing. Please don’t ask again.”
• Sex: “I won’t have sex without contraception/when I’m tired. Pressuring me ends the date.”
• Conflict: “If yelling starts, I’ll pause and leave. We can try again tomorrow.”

Pro tip: Don’t J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Calm, short, repeat—and follow through.

3) Test for reciprocity

Ask for a small, specific favor at a mildly inconvenient time. Healthy partners negotiate (“Can we do 6 instead of 5?”) and show up. Users deflect, guilt-trip, or vanish.

4) Protect your resources

• Separate finances; never take debt in someone else’s name.
• Change passwords, enable 2FA, turn off location sharing; secure copies of IDs/records.
• Stop providing unpaid services (editing resumes, managing logistics) unless there’s mutuality.

5) Re-expand your life

Schedule friend time, hobbies, sleep, exercise. Autonomy reduces the cognitive “tunnel vision” that keeps you stuck.

6) Get outside perspective

Share facts (not opinions) with a trusted friend or therapist. External mirrors help correct distorted self-blame.

7) Decide “conditions to continue”

If you stay, set observable, time-bound conditions (e.g., joint budgeting, shared planning, counseling, no boundary violations for 8 weeks). Track actions, not apologies. If conditions fail → act on your exit plan.

8) Plan a safe exit (if needed)

• Place to stay, transport, cash, documents, spare phone.
• Go no-contact (or low-contact if co-parenting). Expect hoovering (charm/threats). Decide now not to engage.

If you feel threatened: India emergency 112; Women’s helplines 181/1091 (availability varies by state). Teens/children: 1098 (Childline). Use local equivalents if outside India.

“But what if I’m wrong?”

• Occasional selfishness is human. Using is a pattern of taking without caring or repairing.
• Neurodivergence or depression can affect communication; a partner who cares will own impact, work on skills, and show steady change—not punish your boundaries.

What healthy looks like (so you have a compass)

• Your no is respected without punishment.
• Effort is roughly balanced over time (money/time/repair).
• Conflicts end with understanding + action, not fear.
• You feel safe, seen, and able to keep your other relationships.
• Plans include your needs and timelines.

If your relationship runs on extraction, confusion, and control, you’re not “too sensitive”—you’re right on time. Name the pattern. Set small, enforceable boundaries. Protect your resources. Ask for reciprocity. If it doesn’t arrive, leave with dignity. You are not a resource to be mined; you’re a person to be met.